I was having some downtime a couple of evenings ago, relaxing on the sofa reading a magazine (a rare treat for me).  I was coming towards the end of the magazine, and was starting to think about going to bed, when an article entitled “What if you only had 30 days to live?” caught my eye.

I finally made it to bed about 3 hours later.

The article posed the question: If you only had one month to live, what would you change?

It described a couple of exercises to complete, which I have outlined below:

1.   Years to live…  Ask yourself - what would you do and who would you be if you had 20 years to live, 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, one year, 6 months, 3 months, 30 days, one day?    For each one, limit yourself to writing for a maximum of 10 minutes.

2.  Big Life Questions…  If you only had one month to live, what would you change?  If you were certain your life was going to end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret and why?  If you knew you only had one month to live, what material goods would you give away/sell/put in the the bin?  For what would you like to be remembered and how are you contributing to this goal right now? 

Doing these exercises certainly gave me an awful lot to think about - it’s made me realise what is really important to me, what my priorities are, and the way in which I really want to live my life.  I’m still thinking about it all now.

Why not give it a try?  What would you change if you only had 30 days to live?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE

I’ve been feeling a little low recently.  Since the start of 2010 I’ve had a baby, lost a much loved grandparent to cancer, been involved in a motorway car crash, found the strength to start driving again, had financial difficulties, and rebuilt my business after being on maternity leave.  And while I could cope with any one of those on their own relatively easily, the cumulative strain is beginning to take it’s toll, and I’ve found it difficult to summon up much motivation or enthusiasm to do or feel anything.  I could feel myself starting to slip into the downwards spiral of mild depression that I’ve struggled with in the past, but recently I simply haven’t been able to find the energy to pull myself up out of it.

Then this popped into my inbox (courtesy of www.innerspace.org.uk):

“Even when you feel as though things aren’t going well in your life, you have reasons to be grateful.  Today, take time to appreciate the gift of life and all its wonders.  Count your blessings and cherish what you have.”

As I read those three sentences, the dark cloud started to lift a little bit, and a small ray of sunshine forced it’s way through, as I did exactly what it suggested.  I thought of everything I have in my life that I am grateful for - my three incredible daughters (little miracles in their own right considering I was once told I would never be able to have children); the love and support of my partner; my wonderful family; my loyal friends; the work I do to help other people overcome issues such as the ones I’ve been battling recently; my home; my health… the list goes on.  

This simple exercise has really made me realise that I am so lucky in so many ways.  And the ironic thing is that I suggest to virtually every single client I see that they do this - that every night before they go to sleep they write down ’Three Gifts’ that they have noticed that day that have made them feel good or happy.  It could be something small, like seeing a rainbow or hearing their favourite song on the radio, or it could be something bigger, like getting the promotion at work that they’ve been working towards for ages, or achieving a personal goal that they’ve set themselves.  On a cognitive level it helps prime the brain to look for the positive (and the more you look for it the more likely you are to find it), and on an emotional level it simply feels good.

I think perhaps I might start taking my own advice, and do this every day.  Why don’t you try it too?  Sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference.

The Dash Poem

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

‘Buddha at Bedtime’ by Dharmachari Nagaraja. 

I was given this book by a friend of mine when my first daughter was born (she is 3 and a half now), and just recently she has been asking me to read a story from it to her every night before she goes to sleep.  I love the summary at the end of each story - very simple and succinct values that you can choose to interpret in any way that you like.  Through reading this book with my daughter I am reminded every evening about what is and isn’t important in life, so I thought I would share them…

1.  Sometimes we can feel helpless when faced with a great challenge.  A wise person knows that love and compassion can give them the courage to achieve things that they thought were impossible.

2.  All to often we open our mouths in anger without thinking what might happen next.  A wise person thinks before they speak, and if they can’t say something kind, they keep silent.

3.  Sometimes it feels like there’s no option but to fight our way out of a difficult situation.  A wise person knows that it’s their intelligence, not their physical strength, that will help them to win in the end.

4.  It’s all to easy to lose our patience with people and act unkindly.  A wise person knows that showing kindness and compassion is the most effective way to bring out the best in others.

5.  We all need friends with whom to share precious times and memories, and to help us in times of need.  A wise person knows that they can find a friend among even the most unlikely of characters.

6.  It can be tempting to go our own way rather than to work together with others.  A wise person knows that they can achieve much more as part of a team than on their own.

7.  What we first see may not always give us the whole picture.  A wise person knows that to discover the truth about anything, they must learn from other people’s insights as well as their own.

8.  Life presents all sorts of difficulties and often puts obstacles in our path.  On these occasions it is all too easy to give up.  A wise person knows that if they keep trying, they will eventually succeed.

9.  People who are lazy disappoint themselves as well as others.  A wise person works hard so that they can enjoy the rewards and have the satisfaction of knowing they did their best.

10.  We can all benefit rom listening to the wisdom that others have gained from experience and are kind enough to teach us.  A wise person knows that there is a time to play and a time to learn.

11.  Greed and selfishness spoil things for everyone.  A wise person realises that the way to true happiness is through sharing whatever they have, no matter how little that may be.

12.  Sometimes it is tempting to show off to others and brag about our special qualities, abilities and achievements.  A wise person is confident yet modest about their best traits and talents.

13.  When we tell lies, we cause both ourselves and others to suffer, whereas when we tell the truth, we make the world a happier and richer place.  A wise person knows that honesty is always the best policy.

14.  When we are greedy we become unhappy because we never feel that we have enough.  A wise person appreciates whatever they have and is thankful for anything they are given.

15.  By keeping promises and being kind and forgiving, we make the world a better place for everyone.  A wise person shows compassion for others, even when they have been hurt by them.

16.  Often we don’t give enough thought to our behaviour.  A wise person acts with respect and sympathy toward all beings, treating them in the same way that they would like to be treated themselves.

17.  If something appears too good to be true - it probably is.  A wise person knows that no matter how tempting something appears, it is always prudent to act with caution.

18.  Sometimes it is easy to let fear and jealousy cloud our judgment.  A wise person knows that there is enough love in their heart to give to every living creature in the world.

19.  It is only natural to want things to stay as they are, but life is a journey and change is unavoidable.  A wise person accepts this and enjoys each precious moment as fully as they can.

20.  It can be tempting to ignore the facts when we wish they were different.  A wise person knows the importance of facing up to the truth and they tackle every challenge head on.

Sweet dreams…

Visuals

Visuals pay attention to what they see.  Visuals know they are loved by a certain special look, by sharing experiences together and by spending time together.  They will tend to associate how often you are in their company with how much you love them, and view spending time with someone else or doing something else, as a preference for that thing over them.  They will talk of ‘drifting apart’, ‘not seeing eye to eye anymore’, life being ‘dull’ or ‘losing the spark’.

Appearance can be very important to them, both yours and theirs.  If they spend hours making themselves look good and you don’t notice them, it’s as if they have become invisible to you.  For this reason take great care if you compliment the appearance of someone else of the same sex in their presence because ‘noticing’ can mean the same as ‘fancying’.  Your appearance will matter as well – if you start slobbing out as you relax in the relationship it can mean to them that you don’t care about them as much as you used to, not that you are feeling more comfortable.

Buying them presents, flowers or tickets to the theatre will earn big brownie points. 

Kinaesthetics

Kinaestheics can be incredibly sensitive to the physical conditions around them, to their level of comfort, to the emotional feeling of themselves and in many case the feelings of those around them.

With love it is about how you make them feel.  Often it will be linked with touch.  They respond to hugs and strokes, any kind of physical expression of affection.  Some Kinaesthetic men (in particular but not exclusively) use sex as an expression of love.  If the frequency of sex decreases it can mean for them that the relationship is going through a ‘rough patch’.  Even if many other factors are involved, such as moving house, work pressures etc…, Kinaesthetics often connect a downturn in lovemaking with the general state of the relationship.  Kinaesthetic women (in particular but not exclusively) will tend to withhold sex if they are feeling unloved because it does not ‘feel right’.

Kinaesthetics tend to be either internally or externally focussed.  For internal K’s how they feel is of primary importance – if they are physically discomforted it tends to dominate everything.  They may complain of being too hot or too cold, often within minutes of each other.  They have an incredible connection with their bodies.  External K’s can be extremely sensitive to the feelings of other people around them, of bad atmospheres.  They will often go to great lengths to ‘keep things running smoothly’ even at the expense of their own feelings, until they reach crisis point when they erupt.

Audio-Tonals

AT’s are about sound.  Music is likely to be important to them.  Some seem to need to hear their thoughts on the outside as if they are unaware of their thoughts otherwise.  But this is not true of all AT’s – some can think perfectly well inside their own heads, but may not like silence much and will always prefer to be surrounded by some kind of sound so the radio or TV will always be on in the background ‘for company’.

When AT’s are in love they know how you feel about it because you tell them.  They need to hear it in your voice.  They can be very sensitive to voice tone, so using ‘I love you’ as a casual way to end a conversation can be disastrous.  They will have a tape recording in their head of when you said it and (as far as they are concerned) meant it, and will compare every time you say it with the ‘real thing’.  Quality time together means talking.  If they are into music they will tend to associate particular songs with special events.  Say nice things to them and make sure you sound like you mean it.

Audio-Digitals

Some people think by talking to themselves.  They have a constant conversation with themselves inside their heads.  AD’s sometimes have trouble sleeping because they can’t ‘switch off’ the voice at the end of the day.  The downside to being AD is that they tend to think about how they feel rather than just feeling it, so forget to be ‘in the now’, can be oblivious to physical comfort/discomfort and can sometimes appear unfeeling.

AD’s need to know what you are thinking.  To AD’s, ‘making sense’ is paramount, and will analyse everything. Yet they can be quite blind to your feelings if you are not openly expressing them – explain things to them.

Because the voice in their head is so dominant, they can only listen to one thing at a time, so sometimes they may not hear what you are saying.

Sometimes AD people forget that what they said in their head hasn’t actually reached their lips – sometimes they just need to learn to express what they are thinking.  The internal dialogue often means they spend long periods in silence – it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong, just that they are figuring something out.

Representational Systems (or Rep Systems for short) consist of four categories that can be used to describe the way that the majority of people in this world function, communicate, and generally make sense of what is going on around them.  Of course, not everyone fits neatly into boxes.  Most people do have a dominant rep system, but many people are a combination of two, such as Visual/Kinaesthetic, or Kinaesthetic/Audio Digital.

Visuals - about 40% of the population

As the name suggests, these people pay most attention to what they see.  Because we receive the most information through our eyes, and at the fastest speed, you often find that these people are quite hectic.  They often speak quickly and you may notice that they breathe mainly from the top of their chest because they are in such a rush to communicate what they are thinking that they don’t have time for a full breath in between.  We all tend to do this when we are communicating using the visual system.  Visuals really will “believe it when they see it”.  And not unless they do.

Kinaesthetics (Feelers) - about 40% of the population

Kinaesthetics can be incredibly sensitive to the physical conditions around them, to their level of comfort, to the emotional feelings of themselves, and in many cases, the feelings of others.  Often they pick up practical things very quickly but can be slow to understand verbal instructions and can forget something they are told just minutes after being told it.  Often they will speak quite slowly, the exteme K being the type that makes you want to finish their sentences for them.  Because they take longer to process their thoughts and respond, their breathing tends to be low in the stomach.  If they are high Kinaesthetic and low Visual they will get lost going somewhere new, and they may have had a difficult time at school because the education system doesn’t support them well.  They may have an inferiority complex about their intelligence following their negative expereince at school.

Audio Tonal - about 10% of the population

They are all about sound.  They are the people who sit in the middle of the cinema because you get the maximum benefit of ’surround sound’.  Music is likely to be important to them.  Often they are great chatterboxes and can remember entire conversations word for word, and yet they can’t follow a map unless it is read to them.  Some need to hear their thoughts on the outside as if they are unsure of their thoughts otherwise.  Have you ever known someone who, when asked a question that requires a 10 word answer, speaks uninterrupted for 5 minutes?  These are people who say “Can I ask you a question?”, then proceed to talk about a problem without you having any real input, and then say “Thanks, that really helped”.  Thee are Audio Externals.  It’s just their way of thinking.  They ae not empty chatterboxes, or people who love the sound of their own voice, it’s just that they don’t know what they think unless they hear it outside of their own heads.  However, some appear to hear perfectly well inside their heads.  Both types may not like silence much and will always prefer to be surrounded by some kind of sound, so the radio or TV will always be on in the background for company.  Because they are good at processing their thoughts at the speed of sound, their voice speed tends to fall midway between Visual and Kinaesthetic, and their breathing mid-chest.  Often their voices are quite measured or they use a singsong rhythm.

Audio Digitals (Thinkers) - about 10% of the population

Do you hear a voice inside your head?  Some people think by talking to themselves, and have a constant conversation going on in their head.  Sometimes you can’t count the number of times people have interrupted you because they didn’t realise you were having a perfectly good conversation with yourself.  AD people sometimes have trouble sleeping because they can’t ’switch off’ the volume at the end of the day.  Being AD could be the result of a decision we made when we were younger.  It may be the consequence of not liking what we were seeing / hearing / feeling at the time, or over time, and so we disassociated from it in order for it not to hurt any more.  The downside to being AD is that they tend to think about how they feel rather than just feel it.  So they forget to be in the ‘now’, and can be quite oblivious to their comfort/discomfort.

There are a few people who could be described as having Olfactory (smell) or Gustatory (taste)  rep systems, but these are few and far between.

Knowing what rep system you are can be very useful in lots of things.  To find out what, exactly, you’ll have to wait for the next post…

“Seeing is believing” - a common phrase that I’ve heard many, many times (and I’m sure you have too).  It conjures up the idea that we create our beliefs based on our personal experiences; what we see, hear, feel, think and do.  In fact, the reverse is true. Our beliefs strongly filter how we perceive the world, and it is through these beliefs that we experience life. 

Every second our senses take in literally millions of bits of information.  In order to cope, our brains process this information down to a small handful of things that we can be consciously aware of at any one time (between 5 and 9 items).  The information gets filtered through our belief systems and prior experiences as our brain searches for ‘memory matches’ to find any related or contrary information stored in our memories, in order to make sense of this new information.

This explains why several people can witness the same incident and yet give apparently contradictory accounts of what happens. They are usually honestly telling the truth (as they see it), but due to their different individual filters and beliefs each person, in effect, experienced a different event.  

Studies have repeatedly shown that we can delete, distort, generalise and even create when recalling experiences. The brain has an enormous capacity and drive to rationalise everything that happens to us, inventing explanations even where none may actually exist. Our explanations may seem convincing to ourselves, but may be bizarre and unlikely to others.

Where we focus our attention makes a huge difference. For example, someone trying for a baby will suddenly seem to find herself surrounded by pregnant women wherever she goes. She didn’t notice them before (even though they were there), because her brain’s attention was focused on other things and so it filtered them out as they were irrelevant and unimportant at the time.

The primary drivers for our attention are our beliefs. If you believe something strongly, then your brain will seek out evidence to support that belief and discard or dismiss any evidence to the contrary. (See ‘What the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves’).

We like to think that we choose our beliefs based on our experiences in a calm and rational way. But the fact is that we quickly gain all sorts of beliefs from a very early age – from our parents, peers, teachers and through society’s messages. By the time we are old enough to have a conscious choice, we are already tangled in a complex web of beliefs passed on to us by others (sometimes deliberately, sometimes unintentionally).

Some beliefs are positive and can provide people with more choices. Some are negative and reduce choice, forcing us down paths we might otherwise choose not to go. These so-called ‘limiting beliefs’ (”I’m not good enough”, “I’m bound to mess it up”, “I’m not worthy of being loved”, etc…) are often the main factor holding people back from experiencing the happy, fulfilled life they deserve.

Cognitive Hypnotherapy can be a very effective way of helping people to identify their limiting beliefs, resolve them and then change them into beliefs that are more positive and useful in helping to guide you forwards.

What you believe is what you get.

Be careful what you believe, because before you know it, it might just come true.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all of his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, and where they had been on holiday.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his room-mate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods of time where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans swan serenely on the water while children sailed their model boats. People jogged past on their lunch breaks, and groups of friends had picnics on the grass.  Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all of this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

Days and weeks passed in this same way.

One morning, the nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn and look out of the window beside the bed.

The window faced the blank wall of the building opposite. The man called the nurse back and asked her what could have compelled his deceased roommate to have described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man had been blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

This is one of my favourite sayings, originating from Dr Leonard Orr.  I first came across it during my hypnotherapy treatment and subsequently heard it a lot during my hypnotherapy practitioner training.  I still use it several times a day, both with clients and myself. 

Imagine your mind as having two parts to it: the Thinker and the Prover.  The saying goes: “What the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves”.  In other words, if you have a belief (a thought) about something then your mind will only bring to your attention the information that supports (’proves’) your belief, and will distort or simply delete anything that goes against it.

If there is no immediate evidence around you to support your belief, your mind will search for a ‘memory match’ to support it instead.  For example, someone believes they are stupid, and they are about to go into a situation that they think could potentially make them look or feel stupid (such as a presentation at work, or a job interview maybe).  Nothing is currently happening around them to support their belief that they are stupid so instead their mind starts to look back over similar events that may have happened in the past, (such as the time they had to stand up in front of the class at school and spell a simple word out loud but got it wrong, making them feel stupid) in order to find evidence to reinforce their belief.  The feelings of ‘being stupid’ that this memory conjures up are so powerful, that the person makes several vital mistakes during the presentation, feels stupid, and the belief ends up being strengthened even more - a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The above is an example of a negative belief.  The saying can of course be used in a positive way too, such as with confidence, or intelligence.  The more you believe that you are a confident or intelligent person, the more evidence your mind will provide you with to ‘prove’ that you are.  So ‘thinking positively’ does work!

I find that by reminding myself “What the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves” every so often, I’ve learnt to change my negative beliefs into positive ones, and become more open minded about what I believe…about myself, about others, and about life in general.